103 The One With the Thumb - PART 3
SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK)
MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him?
I mean, I bring a guy home,
and within five minutes they're all over him.
I mean, they're like- coyotes,
picking off the weak members of the herd.
PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef,
I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing.
I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
MONICA: I know. I just wish that once,
I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.
PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening
are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
(CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY,
PHOEBE IS ABSENT)
JOEY: Let it go, Ross.
ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
MONICA: Do you all promise?
ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
(CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN.
IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW)
JOEY: You can come in,
but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
(CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT)
(ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH,
SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI)
ROSS: Hey, Pheebs.
PHOEBE: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error.
We have credited your account with five hundred dollars.
We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this-
(SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.'
Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars,
and a football phone!
RACHEL: What bank is this?
(DOOR BUZZER)
MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it?
ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan.
JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here!
(CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET)
MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good, please.
Just remember how much you all like me.
(OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN)
MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
ALAN: Hi.
ALL: Hi, Alan.
ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
(GENERAL HYSTERIA)
SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING)
MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks.
I'll call you tomorrow.
(TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin.
Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
(SILENCE)
MONICA: C'mon!
ROSS: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at-
no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
MONICA: Wait a minute!
We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
ALL: Yeah!
RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER)
THE GUYS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.
JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
ROSS: ...What shoe?
PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man,
Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
(DUBIOUS PAUSE)
ROSS: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against
which all future boyfriends will be measured.
RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be,
y'know, it.
MONICA: Really!
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for
his David Hasselhof impression alone.
You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT)
ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though?
ALL: What?
ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself.
ALL: Yeah...
(AD BREAK)
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