從自卑來看「我對你的意義」(上) - 中視
By Eden
at 2009-01-26T00:05
at 2009-01-26T00:05
Table of Contents
這兩週的美元,可說從蜜月期走向磨合初期。重複在看這些片段的時候,我總會
想,戀愛必有這樣的一個階段:「我喜歡你」逐漸不是潤滑的萬靈丹,當那些摩擦的
不順清楚逼近到難以忽視時,便會在戒慎嚴肅與自我安慰之間不斷擺盪:這會是我們
之間的問題嗎?我是不是想太多,其實沒有那麼嚴重?這種擺盪的幅度就形成摩擦時
不安定因素累積的頻率,如果順利找到問題所在,那就會像許毅源在冰果店裡同意孫
媽說的:「吵架可以讓我們了解彼此,也可以讓我們更了解對方眼中的我們」;如果
不能,則會像埋進沙子裡的鴕鳥,給自己找個逃避面對的理由,直到那些不安累積成
了地雷,在某個時刻把問題炸開,甚至把兩人之間的關係炸裂。
美元二人正在這種連擺盪幅度都極不穩定的狀態。在一美的身世和毅源的恐懼交
相夾擊的同時,進入確認穩定期(所謂的確認穩定期,就是已經認定對方是自己的
「男/女朋友」)的兩人,開始對未來感到徬徨不定:一美想著:「許毅源真的很好
嗎?」毅源則想著:「我真的能帶給一美幸福嗎?」這兩個問題的來源和程度都有所
不同,不僅因為個性的成熟度,還包括情感程度上的差異:對一美來說,她開始考慮
這個男朋友是不是她要認定的人;對許毅源來說,對她的感情則已經到達愛與依戀的
深度,深到他的恐懼在於自己所能給予的不足,而完全排除了對對象的其他考慮。
這種毫無交集的狀況乍看之下似乎是個危機。依一美認定「交往一年來第一次吵
架」的衝突結果來看,由於毆打保羅的事件,讓她第一次直接面對毅源童年陰影和青
少年迷失帶來的不良影響(會以暴力來處理問題),但因為一美的特殊思路,這個問
題到最後幾乎被輕忽過去;而許毅源則繼續在恐懼的岩石上擱淺,沒有進反而有所退
卻。然而,比起孫媽的「妳要給他勸」、再美以阿朱鼓勵一美「用愛感化幾摳哥心中
的陰影」的樂觀,一美恐怕更接近、更真實體會到那份擔憂,畢竟「許毅源的女朋
友」是她,親眼目睹失控暴力場面的也是她,照理說,這份擔憂不應該輕易地被拋
開,怎麼最後會以「就算你是流氓,就算你個性衝動,這些我都可以原諒你」作結
呢?
我反覆回頭看了很多次,才確認這兩個人造成這種沒有交集情形的原因,竟出自
於一個相同的問題:自卑。
許毅源的自卑,在他不斷的自白與剖析裡,可以說顯而易見。從很早很早的時
候,他就對自己的「不夠好」有所自覺,不僅是在游泳池邊說「不讓另一個女生受我
媽同樣的苦」而已,他喜歡汪茜茜,是因為茜茜是「比我好,比我優秀,比我還要帥
的自己」,他要茜茜「永遠在他前面」,他才「不會迷路」。於是,當他自卑與因自
卑而恐懼的點觸動時,他的反應就是守在原地、退卻甚至逃避。比如在差點殺了許父
之後,他躲到了南部去;與一美二吻之後,他沒有立即面對接下來關係的躍進;許父
的祭日他並未主動要求一美參與,卻又因為懷著這件心事而惹惱了她,在她說「切一
切」的時候藏身在門後,等一美追出來;在一美對他說:「你還是回去當你的流氓好
了」之後,在與孫媽對話重複的「我真的好怕」當中,他已經在考慮「如果我現在不
在一美的身邊,那她是不是可以找到一個可以給她幸福的人」之可能。
幸運的是,他並沒有一直執守在逃避的門口。之前有板友提過,就身世背景來
說,許毅源的內心並沒有那麼難以攻破,他好像對任何人都可以坦白內心的創傷。但
仔細去考察,可以發現這是有脈絡的:雖然許父相當差勁,但他有一個溫柔善包容、
且不歇斯底里地把自己的壓力相迫的母親(不過這有一部分原因是他提早獨立擔負家
庭重擔);早在他向茜提出尋找閃閃發亮沙灘之時,茜就看透他是「我不問你都會
說」的個性(所以我同意他是魔羯座,而茜是最難攻破的天蠍||||);而在互助的自
強一村當中,他的家庭困境舉村皆知,陶爸陶媽很早就對他們母子釋出善意;毅源在
對父親起了殺念且付諸行動時,陶爸和拍雄拚命阻擋他犯下弒父之罪,前者更安慰他
的傷痛;一美在他失戀與父喪之時加以陪伴;開始追求一美時,雖然身具流氓身份,
但孫家並沒有把他排拒於門外,反而對他坦承以對,真心相待;當他不確定自己的時
候,復邦讓他面對該面對的質疑與自省,茜茜讓他看見自己的恐懼與真心。是因為自
強一村(和編劇姊姊的偏愛,笑)的環境讓他毋須選擇自我封閉,而是藉由借力使力
的碰撞,讓他能夠一次次地進袋得分。於是雖然曾經逃避,但他及時跨越了內心的障
礙,確認了一美的心意,也得到了孫家對兩人交往的首肯;雖然一次錯過一次被(馮
媽)轉移,但在吵架之後,許毅源確實有試圖打電話去面對與溝通,而不似之前被動
地站在門後等待。更重要的是,一美的付出與情感使他更有跨步的勇氣。他的自卑就
像他手上的汙垢,儘管他潛意識認為「現在弄乾淨明天不是還會髒」,但一美卻願意
握著他的手,有點粗魯卻很有耐心地,一點一點地清乾淨。
--
一隻鳥飛過去了,天空還在。就是這樣。
我懷疑,但,就是這樣了。
有時候,眼睛只肯告訴我這麼多。
陳斐雯 貓蚤札(其三)
--
Tags:
中視
All Comments
By Eartha
at 2009-01-30T17:23
at 2009-01-30T17:23
By Hedy
at 2009-02-04T08:24
at 2009-02-04T08:24
By Connor
at 2009-02-08T08:26
at 2009-02-08T08:26
By Odelette
at 2009-02-11T06:50
at 2009-02-11T06:50
By Hardy
at 2009-02-14T14:00
at 2009-02-14T14:00
By Brianna
at 2009-02-16T04:24
at 2009-02-16T04:24
By Bethany
at 2009-02-16T10:09
at 2009-02-16T10:09
By Queena
at 2009-02-20T17:48
at 2009-02-20T17:48
By Puput
at 2009-02-22T04:21
at 2009-02-22T04:21
By Ida
at 2009-02-22T18:34
at 2009-02-22T18:34
By Madame
at 2009-02-26T14:05
at 2009-02-26T14:05
By Elizabeth
at 2009-02-27T04:45
at 2009-02-27T04:45
By Poppy
at 2009-03-01T18:38
at 2009-03-01T18:38
By Tristan Cohan
at 2009-03-05T06:34
at 2009-03-05T06:34
By Bennie
at 2009-03-08T19:02
at 2009-03-08T19:02
By Jacky
at 2009-03-13T17:58
at 2009-03-13T17:58
By Harry
at 2009-03-18T02:23
at 2009-03-18T02:23
By Candice
at 2009-03-19T06:53
at 2009-03-19T06:53
By Lydia
at 2009-03-22T14:04
at 2009-03-22T14:04
By Harry
at 2009-03-22T18:22
at 2009-03-22T18:22
By Freda
at 2009-03-26T03:58
at 2009-03-26T03:58
By Edwina
at 2009-03-29T02:18
at 2009-03-29T02:18
By Isla
at 2009-04-02T19:23
at 2009-04-02T19:23
By Isabella
at 2009-04-07T15:34
at 2009-04-07T15:34
By Joe
at 2009-04-12T06:02
at 2009-04-12T06:02
By Vanessa
at 2009-04-14T18:59
at 2009-04-14T18:59
By Thomas
at 2009-04-16T17:15
at 2009-04-16T17:15
By Freda
at 2009-04-16T19:43
at 2009-04-16T19:43
By Selena
at 2009-04-17T00:50
at 2009-04-17T00:50
By Noah
at 2009-04-19T10:40
at 2009-04-19T10:40
By Dinah
at 2009-04-24T00:51
at 2009-04-24T00:51
By Megan
at 2009-04-24T20:26
at 2009-04-24T20:26
By Jacob
at 2009-04-28T13:27
at 2009-04-28T13:27
By Irma
at 2009-05-03T07:07
at 2009-05-03T07:07
By Skylar Davis
at 2009-05-03T22:36
at 2009-05-03T22:36
By Margaret
at 2009-05-04T04:08
at 2009-05-04T04:08
By Kama
at 2009-05-06T05:16
at 2009-05-06T05:16
By Gary
at 2009-05-10T19:04
at 2009-05-10T19:04
By Iris
at 2009-05-13T15:16
at 2009-05-13T15:16
By Robert
at 2009-05-16T06:54
at 2009-05-16T06:54
By Christine
at 2009-05-16T21:24
at 2009-05-16T21:24
By Xanthe
at 2009-05-17T13:31
at 2009-05-17T13:31
By Xanthe
at 2009-05-20T06:11
at 2009-05-20T06:11
By Caroline
at 2009-05-24T09:58
at 2009-05-24T09:58
By Todd Johnson
at 2009-05-27T06:53
at 2009-05-27T06:53
By Annie
at 2009-05-30T15:05
at 2009-05-30T15:05
By Michael
at 2009-05-31T10:42
at 2009-05-31T10:42
By Elvira
at 2009-06-04T21:18
at 2009-06-04T21:18
By Carolina Franco
at 2009-06-09T20:04
at 2009-06-09T20:04
By Dorothy
at 2009-06-14T17:58
at 2009-06-14T17:58
By Tom
at 2009-06-19T02:27
at 2009-06-19T02:27
By Anonymous
at 2009-06-22T16:15
at 2009-06-22T16:15
By James
at 2009-06-27T06:24
at 2009-06-27T06:24
By Blanche
at 2009-06-28T08:26
at 2009-06-28T08:26
By Rachel
at 2009-07-02T12:05
at 2009-07-02T12:05
By Aaliyah
at 2009-07-03T15:21
at 2009-07-03T15:21
By Catherine
at 2009-07-06T17:54
at 2009-07-06T17:54
By Emma
at 2009-07-07T21:04
at 2009-07-07T21:04
By Rebecca
at 2009-07-11T12:32
at 2009-07-11T12:32
By Anthony
at 2009-07-14T08:29
at 2009-07-14T08:29
By Wallis
at 2009-07-17T18:23
at 2009-07-17T18:23
By Thomas
at 2009-07-21T15:06
at 2009-07-21T15:06
By Heather
at 2009-07-22T07:11
at 2009-07-22T07:11
By Callum
at 2009-07-24T05:40
at 2009-07-24T05:40
By Odelette
at 2009-07-27T16:20
at 2009-07-27T16:20
By Ursula
at 2009-07-28T02:52
at 2009-07-28T02:52
By Connor
at 2009-07-30T00:59
at 2009-07-30T00:59
By Poppy
at 2009-07-31T03:00
at 2009-07-31T03:00
By Queena
at 2009-07-31T07:47
at 2009-07-31T07:47
Related Posts
有人在看特別節目牛轉乾坤旺旺來嗎?
By Odelette
at 2009-01-25T20:10
at 2009-01-25T20:10
一元的年齡?
By Ethan
at 2009-01-25T19:30
at 2009-01-25T19:30
茜茜在民視喔
By Erin
at 2009-01-25T17:35
at 2009-01-25T17:35
一元朱屎
By James
at 2009-01-25T16:57
at 2009-01-25T16:57
請問朱媽得好人獎的是那一集的段落?
By Ophelia
at 2009-01-25T13:46
at 2009-01-25T13:46