愈真誠就愈膽怯 - 中視
By Damian
at 2009-01-08T19:13
at 2009-01-08T19:13
Table of Contents
美元曖昧到最頂點的時候,對許毅源,我一直覺得有一些難解的地方,細微而
難以言說;直到他去接茜,兩人在茜住的公寓樓下對話,我才抓到那條難解的線是
什麼。
老實說,我真的非常、非常感謝茜和毅源這麼相似,更感謝在錯過之後,他們
還能是彼此的朋友,可以偶爾像這樣不帶傷害地互相交流。就像板友pomm在推文裡
說的:
「毅源知道在這種狀況下的茜,需要一個很深的羈絆,讓她不至於『迷路』,
在渡過難關之後,還能回到常軌。而這些老朋友,就是茜茜現在很需要,但她卻一
直逃避的羈絆吧!」
我會想起毅源把茜拉去學校,又阻止她逃走的動作;我也想起茜茜倔強地說:
「我沒那麼脆弱」的時候,他笑著說:「我知道,但是我不相信。」之後,茜斜睨
著他,然後笑出來的樣子。我在想,茜有時候一定覺得許毅源很討厭,因為他不會
順著她,而且總能看透她的想法,還會阻擋她的逃避;但另一方面,她一定也很感
謝他,因為他的存在不會讓她想起過去的夢,卻能憶起自己的堅持;他的態度不會
讓自己感受到失望、可惜和輕蔑;因為他就單純地幫她,不會在夠重的無奈之上,
再加上無法設身處地的價值判斷。
我想起二吻之後,一美在垃圾筒旁遇到馮媽和朱磊,朱磊暗示著對她的好感,
說:「不像我跟妳,一直很有話聊」時,一美的回答:「那是因為我們是鄰居啦,
沒有負擔當然什麼都可以聊啊。像我跟那個許毅源好了,一開始我們光是鬥嘴,就
鬥不完喔……男女朋友在一起,多少都會有點尷尬。」我又想起很久很久以前,毅
源拿著話筒,投著硬幣,卻怎樣都無法對另一頭的茜茜開口,直到硬幣沒了,才能
對著嘟嘟聲說出話來;想起一年多前,雞婆的一美在旁邊纏著,於是他愈說愈多,
說到終於忍不住哭出聲音……
不到兩年的時間,同樣是茜和一美,在心中的地位不同了,可以開口說的話也
不一樣了。他的寵溺都給她,包容都給她;茜茜不肯見面,即使對狀況猜測了七八
分,也只是裝傻,嘴裡說著安慰,就只希望她不要「嘟著一張臉」;看到她煩惱,
給了她承諾,盡力處理了才告知;她做得過火了,就算心裡覺得酸酸的,也心平氣
和地舉例比喻,告訴她熱心也要適可而止。
另一個,就像看著走在邊緣可能迷失的、過往的自己,盡自己的力量,希望她
不要輕易放手。「只有跟老朋友走在一起,我們才是原來的我。」
在恐懼滅頂的當下,懂得陪伴給予真正需要的,這樣的朋友,何其珍貴。
相對地,對於毅源來說,茜茜也是唯一他可以開口訴說:「我真的開始有點害
怕了」,而能得到理解的對象。同時,我也終於知道,在美元曖昧接近臨界點的同
時,我對許毅源一直以來態度的困惑,來自於哪裡。
二吻之後,他消失了兩天;一美誤會了他和茜,才匆匆地趕來解釋,消弭了魚
蝦風波。從開始到接近結束,中間不少時間的空缺令人困惑:為什麼接吻之後,他
沒有主動再聯絡一美?一美接受的態度很明顯,即使之前再怎麼小心翼翼,這一次
還有什麼問題?
茜茜問他:你和孫一美怎麼樣了? 他說:你朋友啊,真的超難把的。
茜茜又問:所以,還沒開始啊? 他說:……應該快了吧。
我一直在注意許毅源回答時臉上的表情。
一美在村邊哭著說:「為什麼我喜歡的人,都不喜歡我」的時候,我也好心疼
她,希望毅源給她一點解釋和信心。可是在元茜對談後,重複看一美和毅源鬥嘴的
片段,我才發現自己弄錯了一件事:
在旁人起閧,以為你們在一起;但只有自己不確定對方有沒有保管好自己的心
的人,不是只有孫一美一個。
差點說出自己天天來孫家吃飯的理由,卻被說「為了打探茜茜消息」的人,是
許毅源;那麼直白地說出:「我一直在等妳對我有感覺,難道妳都沒感覺」,卻必
須看著對方匆匆跑掉的人,是許毅源。在一美期待他出現的那兩天,也許他也在等
一美的消息和電話。在不明所以的狀況下,看著對方一看見自己,立刻掉頭就走的
人,是許毅源;來到家裡想要解釋,卻差點被拒於門外的人,也是許毅源。
那場混有無敵女金剛、青蛇、紅娘、楊麗花和許秀年的對話,拉回一開始毅源
的解釋,換個角度去想,他完全是把自己和一美定位為「朋友」,「沒義氣」、
「沒禮貌」的選項之後,第三個他才說出「吃醋」。
對兩人關係沒有信心的,不只有孫一美;沒有親口說出「我喜歡你」的人,也
不只有許毅源。
我想到二吻的時候,傻傻的一美,直接說出:「你今天,看起來好像還滿帥
的。」時,毅源微笑之後低下頭害羞的表情(而一年半前在機車行,他跩跩地說:
怎樣,沒看過這麼帥的流氓喔?);還有一美上前吻他臉頰,他驚得眼睛都睜大的
模樣。
接吻之後感到慌張恐懼、充滿不確定的人,怎會只有一美?「應該快了吧。」
這五個字從口吻到意涵,沒有一項代表的是篤定的信心--誰知道那個總是不按牌
理出牌的女孩,會對這個吻有什麼反應?
一吻是場錯誤,二吻是情感衝動。第三吻,在一美明顯的吃醋在意、聽到「我
喜歡的人是妳」的無措,和被逼問「這件事情,究竟跟楊麗花、青蛇還有蝦,有什
麼關係」時的噗嗤一笑和亂七八糟的解釋後(有沒有人注意到,一美的話是停在
「一對」那兩個字的中間////),才是百分之百的定情之吻。
我想到茜茜說:「我不喜歡那麼脆弱,我也沒有那麼脆弱。」毅源回答:「我
知道,但是我不相信。」--同樣地,我也不相信在愛面前,毅源不會脆弱,不會
逃避,不會戒慎恐懼:「怕她命不夠硬,擋不住我的命中帶煞」,不會害怕「好景
不常」,幸福轉眼即逝。
我很心疼一美的婢女命觀,也很心疼毅源的恐懼,在心裡深深地盼望,有一天
他們能彼此治好這種可能造成退縮的情怯。但未來的日子還很長,至少終於,這兩
個人確知了彼此的心意。
一美和毅源都有一顆遼闊的心。期待有那麼一天,他們能辨清對方心中的曲
徑,理解彼此的生命景觀。但眼前,就為他們終於確認,可以牽住對方的手而高興
吧。:D
--
漠漠無知的天倘若也有情感,
一定也會衰老。
--
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