美元可能面臨的挑戰 - 中視
By Hedwig
at 2009-01-17T00:50
at 2009-01-17T00:50
Table of Contents
最近關於美元的預告和雷一個比一個驚人,集結起來「亂想」更是足以令人
心緒紛亂,尤其回想之前甜蜜時遺留下來的蛛絲馬跡,那些原本以為太過多心的
隱憂,現下看來竟像是等待呼應的伏線,令人擔心恐懼,隱隱作疼。
無法猜測Mag 姐怎麼說故事,也不打算要為了猜測太過傷神。但我試圖要把
之前一美和毅源個性裡可能造成齟齬的特質與隱憂,盡力陳述出來。算是……給
自己先打一個預防針,預防在真正的幸福與相知來臨之前,磨合過程中可能伴隨
的痛苦與誤解,會讓我因為太過在乎,而失去了原先盡力要求自己的理性。
草原
一美可愛的地方,在於她是幸福單純的女孩。她的世界是充滿了陽光,她的
付出無私而不需要理由,她善良會為人設想,她有很多很多給予別人的愛,她想
別人的時間永遠比想自己的多,她的愛不是佔有,而是僅想讓所愛的人快樂自
在。一美最熟悉的愛,是最自然的、在熟悉的環境裡彼此交流給予,自然達成體
諒和理解的親情、友情。還有,只要「自己一個人」就能開始和結束的,暗戀。
那場暗戀以祝福和一聲「謝謝」畫下句點。然後,她遇到了一個原在她的世
界之外,卻踏進來給她很多很多愛,只希望「她也愛他」的許毅源。
在美元戀還在曖昧期的時候,我曾默默希望有一天美元成型了,許毅源會告
訴她那個「閃閃發亮的沙灘」的夢想。後來在他向孫媽以及一美告白的時候,我
才豁然明白,那個神話般的沙灘,早在茜茜否絕時消隱;也許,是直到酒醉共度
的那一夜,方使許毅源在一美的轉述裡,深徹體會到他與汪茜茜的機會和可能已
經逝去。而相對於夢幻般的沙灘,一美是更真實的「可以在上面打滾的草原」。
我現在才理解,用草原來比喻一美的個性,是何等的準確。一美就是草原,
有自開自放的小花,有時時灑落的陽光,有參差不齊,卻很溫暖很溫暖的泥草。
即使偶爾下了雨,雨停之後草尖會垂滿了閃閃發光的水滴,天邊會有一道彩虹令
人訝然驚嘆,是那樣童話又美麗的草原。當許毅源比喻自己的心境是草原時,我
就聯想到村上春樹《挪威的森林》裡,渡邊曾以「和春天的熊一起在原野上打
滾」比喻對綠的喜歡,既可愛又舒快的那份幸福,不就是一美嗎?
但是相對地,這樣的草原只經歷過天晴與驟雨。她的身邊,總有山廓水源;
她的世界,沒有揮之不去的陰霾,沒有擺脫不了的無奈。她還沒有做過人生的爛
選擇題,也不太明白人心的險惡、力不從心與脆弱。即使這些在她身邊都發生
過,可是她可以直接跳過與遺忘,只是盡己努力,然後為達不成的願望而遺憾。
所以,她很不敏感,因為周圍的人會包容她,讓她不曾為自己的粗枝大葉後
悔莫及。所以在「我不依」之前,她在被毅源提醒沒有察覺孫媽的情緒之後,同
時也沒有注意到毅源在接近父親忌日時的情緒不穩定(在看完忌日後才明白,許
毅源會失去自制地說到刺激一美的程度,原來事出有因);所以在孫媽提醒很多
次很多次之後,她還是以「反正他喜歡和阿公聊天」來回應「如果把毅源累跑
了,妳就欲哭無淚」的警告,而沒有體諒身後男友的點頭和點頭背後所隱藏的疲
憊;所以她完全沒察覺孫媽的大不尋常,依舊以她的方式去表示對孫媽的愛。
那就是孫一美,心事思路像草原一樣一覽無遺。
所以她設想別人時,仍以同樣的思路前進。我曾經以為,在海邊過夜之前,
一美試探地問毅源:「為什麼心情不好,因為茜茜住在這裡啊?」僅是顯示了她
試圖打開聊天話題的笨拙;我曾以為,她在燒紙錢祝禱時說:「許伯,雖然你生
前和許毅源很不和」是她的委婉說法--但如果這些話語都不是經過理解和思
致,而僅是出於「直覺」呢?
40集孫家母女的酒醉對話,以及一美差點又向復邦坦白陶媽與茜的協定卻又
被復邦阻止來看,一美還沒有理解她世界外的複雜,就像之前的復邦一樣,不知
道自己得到了多麼嚴密的保護。她善良的直覺確實能為身邊的人帶來溫暖,但同
時,也會為身邊的人帶來傷害。在某些時刻,會既準確又用力。
成長要繳的學費,孫一美才要開始付而已。就和茜茜、復邦的成長過程要傷
害很多很多人一樣,當一美身邊的山廓水源再也不能保護她的時候,那些風雨也
可能使她傷害了她最親最親的人:孫爸、孫媽,還有,許毅源。
海
許毅源曾比喻遇到孫一美之前,他就像在海上漂流著。實際上,許毅源就像
海:溫柔的時候,有著令人難以抗拒的魅力,狂暴的時候,那毫無收歛的戾氣卻
又令人吃驚;還有那深不見底的黑暗,那裡有沉船,有被吞噬深藏的恐懼,有盡
力遺忘的創傷記憶。
溫柔只是其中一面。
我常常要提醒自己:許毅源不是正常健康成長的男孩。
他是一個受虐兒。
孫一美最熟悉的,恐怕是許毅源溫柔的那一面。打從追求開始,許毅源就站
上保護者的地位,成熟、理性、可靠、深情,就像復邦說的,把一美當作寶貝一
樣地寵著--他對一美「一往情深」。他隱藏了自己其他黑暗的層面,盡力去保
護一美,並且像wings2u2me板友所言:「把決定他心生死的尚方寶劍」交給了她。
美元的關係絲毫不對等。那麼,如果有一天,許毅源再也無法為一美擋住風
雨,當他內心的脆弱也需要被安慰和保護,卻被忽視和傷害時;當他黑暗的那一
面在無意識間顯露在一美面前,必須承受不被接受的恐懼甚至事實時,會發生什
麼事?
許毅源因為童年創傷,很可能陷入兩種激烈交戰當中:一個是「一往情深」
背後對幸福的期待和渴求,一美的愛與付出讓他愈陷愈深;另一個則是壓倒性的
恐懼,怕自己沒有給予幸福的能力,怕自己讓一美失望傷心,更怕自己成為另一
個「會施以暴力」的丈夫和父親。這種出於創傷的拉鋸,往較正面的角度發展,
就會變成一個「溫柔完美」的許毅源;往負面的角度,就是變成第二個許爸。如
果他扮演不了前者(溫柔完美本是神話),卻又恐懼於後者,那麼他還有一個選
擇:
犧牲自己,然後退出。
許毅源是個受虐兒。這樣的孩子在受虐的當下,會有一番心理調適:簡單說
的話,就是割裂自己,一部分忍受、面對「虐待」這個事實;一部分則形成心理
防衛,原諒虐待者,以維持最原始的依附感和愛。這種心理最容易形成的認同感,
就是「自我犧牲」。當他無法統整「被提升的自我」和「被貶抑的自我」時,這
可能是唯一的出路。所以他會想犧牲自己去殺了父親,卻又同時愛他,期待他能
回頭--都是起於這種由於「受虐」而產生的雙重態度。
兒童時期受到虐待的孩子,非常可能會被他人傷害或者傷害自己,而比較不
會加害他人。那是因為他們被深刻地灌輸自我憎恨的想法,所以他們常常會將攻
擊性導向自己。對於新發生的情感關係,當他付出愈多,也同樣會被想得到保護
與關注的渴望推動著,但又籠罩著遺棄與剝削的恐懼感。前者可以從美元相戀後
毅源的行動可以發現:他在極力讓一美注意他;而一句「好啊好啊,我們分一分
啊」也同時可以勾出他的自卑和心痛--即使他很清楚一美完全是隨口發言。
易言之,許毅源心中的創傷還未痊癒,而僅是被隱藏起來而已。因此在預告
裡,看到瑟縮的茜茜,使他再度被創傷記憶所支配,對保羅出了拳;因此在面對
可能失去一美的危險時,他或者會因為愛與保護的動機而對一美做出強制的行
動,在被嚴重指責後才有所警覺。這些行動如果沒有被一美理解或接受,那麼這
種負面的反應會使他對自己完全失望,而選擇退避逃離。
像這樣的創傷,要復原只能在人際關係的情境中發生,無法在隔離與孤獨的
情境中發生。一方面要有信任、對他人真誠的依賴,建立安全感,然後必須「和
自己和解」,擁有自己並且愛自己,才能真正痊癒。但是現在持著尚方寶劍的一
美,既沒有完全理解毅源的保護,也沒有理解他的恐懼;甚至對還不具備感受到
親近之人情緒起伏的敏銳,以及感受之後適當處理的成熟。在這種情況下,她只
要稍微揮錯方向,就會讓許毅源受傷,讓他傷到失去那一點給予幸福的自信,也
傷到彼此的愛情。
只有那樣才是真正的上岸
在之前的閃光時,我心裡明白在現實當中,這樣不對等的愛情太容易磨損凋
零;而當我在預告和戲的細微片段中明白Mag 姐並沒有打算略過許毅源的黑暗
面,而欲給美元真正幸福的可能時,我可以想像毅源的退縮、兩人的自傷傷人,
卻不知道這樣的孫一美和許毅源,會如何在這樣的考驗中成長,能夠更成熟地愛
己愛人,進而給予對方幸福。我只能希望有一天,一美的草原不再只有卡通的美
好與想像,而是足以理解人性的弱點與缺失;我希望許毅源的海可以健康地表露
風平浪靜與驚濤裂岸,可以愛自己、真誠地接受自己的任何特質。我想,對於美
元接下來的考驗,我所拭目以待的,就是這個過程和結果吧!
--
一隻鳥飛過去了,天空還在。就是這樣。
我懷疑,但,就是這樣了。
有時候,眼睛只肯告訴我這麼多。
陳斐雯 貓蚤札(其三)
--
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