從自卑來看「我對你的意義」(中) - 中視
By Edith
at 2009-01-26T07:30
at 2009-01-26T07:30
Table of Contents
然而相對之下,孫一美的自卑卻藏在相處之中且沒有被人明顯注意。之所以沒有
被特別正視的原因,就如同先前所說,她擁有極為豐沛的愛,加上善良的個性,因此
自卑並沒有讓她產生嫉妒等容易產生惡意的念頭與個性,反而使她更懂得如何將心比
心。
一美對待茜茜正是如此,聰明美麗的茜茜讓她自卑,陶復邦對茜茜的偏護更觸發
她在小時候就在鬼洞當中先後寫下「想像紙娃娃一樣漂亮」、「想要在未來嫁給陶復
邦」的心願,還傻傻地以為有像晶晶一樣的身世就能吸引復邦的注意。但即使一開始
有所敵視,她還是在不知不覺中把茜茜引為最要好的朋友;長大之後發現陶復邦和茜
茜在一起,雖然這個事實使她心碎,卻也坦然接受、給予祝福,甚至積極去幫忙排除
「馬文才」這個障礙物,充當他們的掩護,最後就把自己給賠了進去(誤)。我們可
以發現,自卑在一般人產生的不良影響,比如自怨自艾、自私自利、自我膨脹,在一
美身上幾乎都沒有發生過,三吻之前她誤以為自己是「蝦」而傷心,但一聽到馮家出
事,馬上就覺得自己的事「不怎麼樣」,而且我相信她是真心地認為並能確實做到:
她寧可讓自己再傷一次心,也願意把許毅源再讓給「比她還需要人照顧」的茜茜。
但這種善良的「讓」依舊來自於自卑心理,就像之前有板友分析過,她在鬼洞的
心願「漂亮」先於「嫁給陶復邦」,可見得在對愛情還懵懂的階段,被優先重視其實
是她最大的渴盼,因為孫一美雖然被許多人所愛,但她習慣地預設自己不是會被第一
重視的對象,直到許毅源打破她最硬的那層外殼,走進了她的心裡面,讓她驚喜地知
道:「原來不是許秀年,還是有人會愛她。」在蜜月期當中,除了逐漸在確認「許毅
源真的在愛她」、「許毅源是她的男朋友」之外,她更逐漸有了有人會把她放在心中
的第一位、「這個人是與她相屬」的真確感。最明顯的例子,就是兩次在娟娟面前提
到許毅源,一改曖昧期的擔心被誤會的拚命否認,在茜茜家中知道娟娟已不在意之
後,她這樣對娟娟說:
「還好妳轉性格了耶,
要不然想到我是妳的情敵啊,我一定嚇得半夜爬起來尿褲子。」
雖然會被嚇到尿褲子(笑),但比起之前習於婢女地位的卑屈,在這個階段,她
已經把任何可能喜歡許毅源的對象,視為對等的情敵。電話裡誤會許毅源「腳踏兩條
船」時,雖然無厘頭且「又番又盧」,但一美質問的態度同樣也是這種對等意識的表
現。更重要的是,她的對等意識不僅僅針對「可能的情敵」,更針對了她的男朋友許
毅源。在為了朱虹而開的三人會議當中,復邦安慰拍雄的話刺激了一美:
「我以為一美把上幾摳,已經是非常猛的事情了。」
「什麼是我把毅源,明明是毅源把我。」
「你看看孫一美,她長得也不美啊,長得也不怎麼樣啊。
可是幾摳啊,還是把她當成寶貝一樣啊。
愛不愛跟美不美無關啊。
光是衝著幾摳對一美的一往情深,我就對幾摳佩服得五體投地啦!」
「欸,陶復邦,這麼說來,你是覺得我配不上許毅源囉?
好,你等著,等我考取大學,你再看看是誰配不上誰!」
最後那句「誰配不上誰」之前板上有過討論,而且幾乎都同意如果許毅源在場,
這句話很可能會刺傷他。但從一美的心理和角度來看,可以發現她說這句話的動機,
其實是因為復邦的話刺激了她自卑的隱痛:她知道在世人的眼中,自己的外貌條件是
配不上許毅源的,但她對這種刺激的反應並非走進婢女式的自怨自艾或卑屈,而是要
讓自己的條件「配得上他」。在聯考當天早上,她對許毅源說:「這一次啊,我一定
要靠自己的力量,做一件不迷糊的事。」亦是這種自立心理的表現:雖然被許毅源寵
著愛著,她卻沒有打算讓自己安心待在這個容易令人陷溺的情網裡,而是要讓自己長
大獨立,站在和許毅源對等的地位。
這個過程還在進行當中。在孫一美還沒長大成熟的現階段,除了這種極力對等的
努力和意識,事實上這種自卑時時在她與許毅源的關係裡產生影響。在交往之前與初
期,同樣是他人對其外貌的稱讚,這兩個人的反應大不相同:
「這個男的眼光真差耶,放著這樣子美女不要(一美暗自竊喜),
居然跟那個又胖又醜,又沒禮貌的醜八怪走了。」
「馮媽,妳好好笑(害羞捶),說話怎麼那麼實在啊妳。」
「那女生長得不錯,而且有點驕傲驕傲的,跟茜還滿像的。」
「她哪裡跟茜茜像啊,我看看我看看(捧臉),
難怪,眼睛裡狗屎糊到了啦,
她漂亮?她整個像萬花筒一樣,她漂亮?
我拜託你好不好,你不要因為人家說你帥,
你整個心花怒放,就說人家漂亮好不好?」
「拜託,我的帥還需要人家說啊。」(面不改色)
「整個心花怒放」是一美的推測,而她的推測來自於自己心理的反應:不管是
妮妮稱讚毅源,還是毅源稱讚妮妮,都對她造成刺激。而相對於這點,一美伸手捧
臉的動作和「妳喜不喜歡我」的試探,恐怕才是許毅源心中在乎的事。於是這兩個
人的關係,就變成在各自自卑的點上打轉。以第一次「我不依」的吵架為例,讓一
美生氣的點是許毅源對她這個「沒有女人味」、「全身都是缺點」的女朋友的可憐
委屈(外貌條件配不上許毅源的自卑);對毅源來說卻是她沒有發現他心事的粗枝
大葉和隨口說出的「分手」(不被所愛的人足夠重視和輕易放棄的恐懼)。這次吵
架都各自暴露了心中最在意的點,卻因為個性與面對自卑的方式不同,使得兩人關
係擺盪到一個(在我看來)不甚平等的地位。
--
一隻鳥飛過去了,天空還在。就是這樣。
我懷疑,但,就是這樣了。
有時候,眼睛只肯告訴我這麼多。
陳斐雯 貓蚤札(其三)
--
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