106-part 01 - 六人行

The One With the Butt

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Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: guineapig
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[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for
a play of Joey's to start.]

Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look!
Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!

Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen
one of his plays before.
Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...

Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me.
(Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!

(The lights dim.)

Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud,
is talking to a female patient.)

Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here,
and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
(He goes into a song and dance number.)

All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding.
As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]

Rachel: God. I feel violated.

Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to
peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?

Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.

Ross: Is it? Feels like two.

Chandler: No, ten o'clock.

Ross: What?

Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain)
There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!

Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about
look like short, fat, bald men!

Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be?
'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league?
Ross, back me up here.

Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women
with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.

Monica: You could do that!

Chandler: Y'think?

All: Yeah!

Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this...
I'm very very aware of my tongue...

Ross: C'mon! C'mon!

Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)

Aurora: ...Yes?

Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler!
Chandler is my name, and, uh...
(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.

Aurora: Yes, you said that.

Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was
what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was,
uh.. would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight.
(He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)

Aurora: Chandler?

(Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)

All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: Whadja think?

(Pause)

All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad.
It was better than that thing I did with the trolls,
at least you got to see my head.

All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.

Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!!
(To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah.
(To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian,
and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'.
I think I like it better that way.
(To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you.
(He fishes a card out of his pocket.)

Rachel: What is it?

Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.
Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!

Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!


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