121-part 04 - 六人行

121 The One With The Fake Monica –Part 4

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]

Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se,
it's more of an interactive wildlife experience.
Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?

Ross: Yes.

Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.

Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?

Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?

Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...

Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns,
you've got to give the little guy something.
Otherwise it's just cruel.

(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)

Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.

Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...

Chandler: ...He's in.

Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!

Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here.
I mean, San Diego's all well and good,
but if you give him to me,
I'll start him off against a blind rabbit
and give you twenty percent of the gains.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting.
She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them,
then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]

Monica: Yo- hooo!

Rachel: Where the hell've you been?

Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.

Rachel: Are you drunk?!

Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk.

Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called,
I have been up here, I've been worried...

(Monica is drinking from the tap)

Rachel: Monica? Monica!

Monica: Water rules!

Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called,
they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?

Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.

Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job!
This is not you!

Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person
who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills
as soon as they come in!
Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that.
I'm- I'm Monana!

(The phone rings and Rachel answers)

Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please.
Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.

Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.

Rachel: What?

Monica: They've arrested Monica.

[Scene: New York City Department of Correction,
Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]

Monica: Hi.

Fake Monica: Hey.

Monica: How are you?

Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour.
How-how did you know I was here?

Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.

Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.

Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.

Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.

Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much!
I mean, if it wasn't for you,
I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage
at the Wintergarden Theater!

Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.

Monica: I just can't believe you're in here.
I mean, what am I gonna do without you?
Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me?
Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing
in front of twenty-five other women,
and you're worried about who's gonna take you
to the Big Apple Circus?

Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.

Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica.
You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were,
because that's who you are.

Monica: Not necessarily...

Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is,
maybe it's the Amish thing.

Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.

Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]

Teacher: You by the door. In or out?

Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)

Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!

Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!

[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego,
boarding at gate 42A.

Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy.
Alright, I wrote you this poem.
Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.

Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Okay, bye, champ.
Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego,
but remember, there's also a lot to learn.

Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.

Ross: Just, just say what you feel.

Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.

Ross: That was good.

Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you.
It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.

Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.

All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely.

(They just stand there, then realise what he means
and go to the other end of the room)

Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere.
(He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him)
Well buddy, this is it.
There's just a coupla things I want to say.
I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you.
You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be-
(Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg)
Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone?
Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?!
Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.

(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]

Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly)
Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand,
that I might... touch thy cheek...

Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.

Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)

Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.

Casting Director No. 2: Name?

Joey: Holden McGroin.

End

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