"羅禮士的真相" Chuck Norris Facts - 電影

首先先澄清，這不是電影片名啦～
會發這篇文是因為不久前本版有人問起查克羅禮士(Chuck Norris)這位老牌動作演員
（圖：http://ppt.cc/bxF7）
也提到Chuck Norris Facts這個網路惡搞現象（#1DEzG4Xu）
這跟惡搞「華神現象」或「鈴木一朗現象」很類似
就是杜撰一些有趣的事蹟來諷刺或取笑羅禮士的形象

其實羅禮士是真正的空手道高手，多次贏得全美空手道冠軍
也曾接受過李小龍的訓練
他也學李小龍，自創了一派綜合格鬥體系叫Chun Kuk Do
翻譯為"春谷道"或"萬能法"
而他自從在1972年的電影《猛龍過江》中跟李小龍在古羅馬競技場搏擊之後
就變成美國動作片硬漢的代表人物(比阿諾跟史特龍都早多了)

他的戲路也是從一而終：武功高強、男子氣概、善用各種刀槍、女人為他瘋狂…
要嘛在大都市裡橫掃流氓，要嘛在越南叢林裡打擊盜匪
而且，今年已經71歲的他，一直到2005年都還有動作片演出
從那時起網路上就出現爆多「羅禮士真相」(Chuck Norris Facts)
來向這位在電影界和武術界都名聲遠播的陽剛硬漢「另類致敬」
而羅禮士本人也並不感覺受到冒犯
還將這類文章放到了他的網站上
甚至曾在一個脫口秀節目中選出十個他自己最喜歡的「真相」
以下節錄一些我覺得很賤的Chuck Norris Facts：


There was no atomic bomb explosion in Hiroshima, it was Chuck Norris
jumping out of the plane and punching the ground.
廣島從來沒被什麼原子彈炸過。是羅禮士跳下飛機，然後一拳轟在地上。


Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs
of life.
羅禮士曾經登陸過火星，這就是為什麼那裡沒有生命跡象。


Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage
to tell him yet.
其實羅禮士20年前就已經死了，只是死神還沒有足夠的勇氣去告訴他。


Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
羅禮士就是為什麼威力還躲著的原因。
(「威力在哪裡」的梗詳見此：http://ppt.cc/lfMy)


Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
死神曾經有過一次「瀕-羅禮士經驗」。


Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
羅禮士能夠關上一扇旋轉門。


Chuck Norris was denied auditioning for "Mission Impossible", for
obvious reasons.
電影「不可能的任務」劇組拒絕羅禮士去試演，原因很明顯。


Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies...... As The Force.
羅禮士在六部「星際大戰」電影中都有參與演出……他飾演「原力」。


Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly
foolish enough to attack him.
羅禮士不可能得到心臟病，他的心臟還沒笨到去攻擊他。
(heart attack雙關語)


When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed that the world was going
to end in 2012, he resonded: "Depends how I'm feeling that day."
當有人問羅禮士相不相信2012年會世界末日，他回答「要看我那天心情好不好」。


Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
羅禮士可以摩擦兩塊冰塊來生火。


Chuck Norris met an exclamation point and punched it in the face.
We now have questions.
羅禮士有天遇到驚嘆號，並在它臉上揍了一拳。所以我們現在有了問號。


We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away
from Chuck Norris.
我們活在一個擴展中的宇宙。所有事物都在全力遠離羅禮士。


Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke...
that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
有一次羅禮士惡作劇尿尿在一輛貨櫃車的油箱裡…那部車後來變成我們熟知的柯博文。


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
羅禮士從不讀書。他只是狠狠瞪著書本，直到書本給了他想要的資訊。


Chuck Norris does not need Twitter...he is already following you.
羅禮士不使用推特…他已經在跟著你了。


If Chuck Norris ever got caught for speeding, he'd let the cops off
with a warning.
如果羅禮士被逮到超速，他會開給鴿子一張警告然後讓他離開。


When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.
當羅禮士做伏地挺身的時候，他不是把自己撐起來，他是把地球壓下去。


Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.
羅禮士是地球上唯一在網球比賽中贏過一堵磚牆的男人。


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.
羅禮士曾出賣過自己的靈魂給惡魔，以換取他的帥氣臉蛋以及和外表不相稱的高超
格鬥技術。當交易完成後不久，羅禮士給了惡魔一記迴旋踢並把自己的靈魂拿了回
來。惡魔出於一種奇妙的可笑心情而無法生氣，反而覺得自己早應該想到這點。他
們現在每個月的第二個星期三都一起打撲克牌。


Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
羅禮士不需要呼吸，他只是把氧氣當作人質。


Chuck Norris invented water.
查克羅禮士發明了水。


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out.
It failed miserably.
中國的長城原本是建來阻擋羅禮士的，而它很悲慘地失敗了。


If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris
has more money than you.
如果你有五塊錢，而羅禮士也有五塊錢，他有的錢比你多。


Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't
Jesus' birthday. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to
this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
羅禮士有次在12月25日寄了張生日卡給耶穌，而那不是耶穌的生日。耶穌太害怕了
而不敢糾正羅禮士，所以今天12月25日被大家認為是聖誕節。


Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
羅禮士睡覺時會開著小夜燈。不是因為羅禮士害怕黑暗，而是黑暗害怕羅禮士。


Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
羅禮士去漢堡王點了一個大麥克，而且他拿到了。


A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
殘障車位不是專門為了殘疾人士而設的。事實上它是在標明這是羅禮士的車位，而
如果你停在這裡，你會被他打成半殘。


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wiseman, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
羅禮士其實是第四位賢者。他帶給耶穌寶寶的禮物是「大鬍子」，而耶穌終其一生
都很驕傲地戴著它。其他三位賢者因為嫉妒羅禮士的禮物得到耶穌最多的寵愛，而
發揮影響力刪去聖經中對羅禮士的記載。不久之後，他們三位都死於羅禮士的迴旋
踢之下。




其實網路上還有很多亂好笑的，在http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com 網上每天都
還有新的創作，只要在該網站註冊，大家也可以寫下自己的Chuck Norris Facts唷！




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