117-part 02 - 六人行

Part 2

[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father
who is examining his next forkful.]

Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing,
I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business.
Five years ago, if somebody had said to me,
here's a tomato that looks like a prune,
I'd say "get out of my office!"

Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?

Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying,
if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;

Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing.
Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky,
"Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?

Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work.
I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much.
Is that what this is about?

Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.

Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that.
We can do stuff together.
You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg.
How 'bout we do that?

Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just,
I just needed to know, um...
when did you start to feel like a father?

Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born.
We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep,
and they brought you in and gave you to me.
You were this ugly little red thing,
and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist.
And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.

(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)

Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?

Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.

Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off
of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]

Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!

(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)

Monica: Hi, come on in.

Dr. Mitchell: Hey.

Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.

Rachel: Hi.

Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.

Dr. Mitchell: Look at this,
it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine,
so how could we resist?

Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?

Monica: It's uh...

(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)

Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them?
After all it, is your ankle.

Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better,
thank you, um... Well, listen,
why don't you two sit down and,
and we'll get you some glasses... okay...
(They don't know what to do with their coats
and Monica points to the living room) STAT!

(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle.
Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening,
then lowers her voice anyway.)

Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking,
why don't we just tell them who we really are?
I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.

Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.

Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?

Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?

(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)

Dr. Mitchell: So?

Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.

Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.

Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that
every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital...
It turns into...

Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around.
No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners,
they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger)
Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)

(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)

Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay?
Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.

Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what?
I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...

Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What!?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: (getting angry) What!!?

Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.

(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine
for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)

Rachel: Hello! Here we go!

Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?

Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years,
and Rachel moved in a few months ago.

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others)
..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um,
I left the guy at the altar.

(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)

Dr. Mitchell: Really?

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish,
but haha, hey, that's me.
(Indicating a dish on the table)
Why don't you try the hummus?

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?

Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.

Dr. Rosen: Good for you.

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around,
which I just love to do.

Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.

Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled...
That's it!

(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)

Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way,
have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?

Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.

Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend)
We both do that!

(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed,
the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows.
The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other,
silently daring the other to move first.
Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)

Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second...
(handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.

Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me.
(Getting up to move further away from Rachel)
li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um,
but there's something, um...
there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...

(Monica glares triumphantly across the room,
scaring Rachel who also stands up.)

Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?

Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year?
(Talking fast before Rachel can catch her)
Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.

(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction,
Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards,
eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn.
Finally, she escapes into the bathroom
while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen
who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)

Commercial Break

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